Sunday, May 5, 2013

Caddyshack Crazy

Carl Spackler is the greatest everyman character Hollywood ever created.

I saw the movie Caddyshack in its original version and was not impressed by what I thought was the sophomoric humor at the time.  Many, many subsequent viewings (it was one of my Ex's favorites) and a quarter century of living has changed my mind completely.  I am particularly enamored with the character of the greenskeeper played by Bill Murrary.  I have come to believe that Murray is at his best when paired with a furry brown animal, gopher or groundhog.  Although I would like to think I do not have the goofy countenance of Carl Spackler, I definitely have a drive to succeed in my domination of all things small and destructive in my yard.  Since I am also helping out with yard work at my two neighbors houses I have tripled my commitment to track and eradicate the varmints. 

On Sunday mornings I like to putter a bit and catch up on weed pulling, raking, trimming hedges etc.  It is not a day for heavy labor but observation and attention to the errant dandelions or overgrown lilies.  This morning however; my normally mellow mood was interrupted by a series of disturbing discoveries.  First there was the tell tale sign of a critter relieving itself in my organically fertilized vegetable garden.  This was followed by a rank odor along a newly developed path from my yard to my neighbors.  I do not have my dogs this weekend and I thought it might look a bit silly to put my nose to the ground so instead I peeked around a few fences and found the source of the odor.  Hiding in the tiger lilies behind a privacy fence was a bushy feral cat.  It turned its head away from me as if ignoring my intrusion.  I took the averted gaze personally and decided to seek out any hiding places on our combined properties.

Within moments I had ferreted out at least three spots and began to plot the destruction of their fairly secluded locations.  I borrowed a hedge trimmer from my neighbor and in the manner of Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands, I trimmed the juniper bushes to reveal a cozy little evergreen den obviously used for feline trysts.

When my Ex and I bought a farm we found literally a shit load of droppings in the barn left by raccoons.  Over a very unpleasant weekend my niece (she still reminds me that I owe her) my Ex and myself cleaned the area and fertilized some acreage in the process.  While I am not a student of poop I have acquired some knowledge of the various animals based on their droppings.  I have not heard hootin' or hollerin' outside my porch window but I am fairly certain more than one cat has been frequenting the juniper.  Now that I have opened up the den to viewing by the whole neighborhood I hope the wanton critters will simply move on. 

This spring my Ex and I engaged in critter hostile landscaping by cutting back the lilacs, securing the front porch with wire mesh and opening up a path along the garage. On occasion like Carl Spackler I grab a flashlight and sit on my front porch monitoring the dark and hidden areas.  For those few moments I feel that I am mistress of the yard and believe like Carl that I have shown man's superior intelligence over animals.  Often my reverie is broken by the distinct odor of skunk and I quickly retreat inside the house before becoming overwhelmed by the smell.

I am still not sure why Noah was allowed to let those odoriferous creatures on the Arc.           


1 comment:

  1. Love this particularly knowing said niece's aversion to masked critters due to unfortunate encounters in her formative years!