Friday nights I clean house and live in my fantasies
I probably will regret this post since it is Friday night and generally at the end of the week my mind is a vacant vessel. However, as I was doing my weekly cleaning of my ex and my houses...do not judge...it came to me in a cloud of ammonia and bleach that I really need to get a life.
Lately I have been glued to the Bravo Channel on cable which is the premier place to view reality TV of the rich and decidedly not famous. I can always tell when I am nearing burnout when I begin watching shows like Shah's of Sunset and Millionaire Matchmaker. In a revealing moment at work today I found myself quoting the star of Matchmaker, Patti, and giving dating advice to a good friend. Wow, what an eye opener since I have not been on a date with any man except my ex since the 90's. It is a dark and dangerous alley I am walking down.
My niece and I were discussing the topic of dating last week. She observed that perhaps before I ventured into this relatively unchartered post-divorce territory I should try wearing mascara and maybe get a new hair style. I did point out to her that first I had to grow out the multi-colored layers of my hair and I did not know make-up was essential when bra shopping which we were doing at the time. But the topic did remind me of how women of a certain age look on Housewives of New York, Beverly Hills, Miami and I am sure a bunch of cities with great plastic surgeons. Sometimes when I watch those shows I feel like a marine biologist studying the mating habits of exotic fish. I am pretty sure if the women toppled off their stilletto heels it would be days before they could stand up in those tight little dresses. I picture them just flopping around on the ground gulping for air like blowfish out of water.
While I eyed with great curiosity the shape shifting undergarments in the lingerie store, I was not brave enough to squeeze into one. Irish folklore includes creatures called Selkies that change from seals into women. I was reminded of this transformation as I held the barely one foot square piece of elastic fabric to my form and contemplated the mechanics of wearing the garment. Surely many women have poked out an eye when the fabric shot back like a rubber band.
On Millionaire Matchmaker, no matter how classy the candidate for a date looks Patti always wants them to go tighter. Last time I watched the show I pictured being in the cattle call for a date. I saw myself in a tight dress, high, high heels and push up bra. Unfortunatly I was not chosen because I was only able to answer questions in a whisper. The other contestants, Patti and her staff thought I was too quiet for the Millionare client, but actually my breathing was constricted from the form fitting undergarments. What ever happened to the mystery clothed under loose fitting carefully draped garments? I thought that was the allure of a toga.
I warned you all it was Friday night and the thoughts are far more random...